My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
