I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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