I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
