so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
