Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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