She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im holly from the hills drunk
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
