oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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