I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
