now i know why i became what i already was.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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