So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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