I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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