Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
