I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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