upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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