I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize