so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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