He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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