If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
