my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
