you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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