How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize