I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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