i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
