No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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