can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
