Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
