You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize