I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
