Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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