The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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