A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
