everyone is single if you try hard enough
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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