im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
