Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize