i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
