I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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