Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
