just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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