Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
