Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
