this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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