So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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