I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
