i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
