i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
