I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
