four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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