Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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