I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
