He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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