you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
