My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
