i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
