When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
