i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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