Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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