I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
