I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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