I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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