I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
