hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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