My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
