He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize