Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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