The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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